Giving your focus a meditative “howdy.”
Have you ever noticed how most folks you cross on the street will mirror your demeanor?
A nod for a nod.
A wave for wave.
A “good, thanks” for a “howareya?”
Ok, maybe a hug attempt receives a “whoa whoa whoa, easy there, big guy.”
For the most part, you can disarm most folks with “friendly enough” neutrality — shifting your weight toward kindness.
Thoughts tend to work the same way.
Diving back into my favorite meditation tutorial — an audiobook version of the book Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics by Dan Harris, Jeffrey Warren, and Carlye Adler — there is a section of the book dedicated to the demeanor in which we “greet” seemingly intrusive thoughts. This chapter is aptly named “Welcome to the Party.”
The contents describe a sitting meditation which I will attempt to paraphrase:
1. Sit in a comfortable seat with good posture, eyes closed, or with a softened gaze.
2. Attempt to tune your mind into the base perception of the present moment. (I usually prefer bringing my full attention simply to the raw sensation of cool and warm air on the tips of my nostrils as I breathe.) If your senses were a camera, turn off the record or analysis mode and simply “go live.”
3. As thoughts arrive to interrupt this pleasant stillness, (what you’re going to watch on TV later, trying to decode the tone of a cryptic work email, considering if you should attempt bangs, etc.) instead of becoming flustered by your inability to remain present, choose to be a kind host to these party crashers by simply saying to them, mentally or aloud,
“Welcome to the party.”
The idea behind this particular meditation is twofold.
Firstly, this style of meditation, like most, trains your mind to identify new and potentially intrusive thoughts. Essentially, to recognize thinking instead of simply being.
Recognizing these thoughts as they emerge can allow you to resist the tendency to let them derail your focus.
Secondly, the attitude of a hospitable host, saying “welcome to the party,” infuses the experience with what many meditation teachers call “loving-kindness.” I prefer just to call it “self-friendliness” (a little less “woo woo”).
Why does this lean toward friendliness matter?
We’re often too hard on ourselves for an inability to focus — especially during meditative experiences or when we’re trying to get stuff done.
But guess what — that disappointment about not being able to focus? — that’s a new intrusive thought.
In beating ourselves up about having intrusive thoughts, we drum up new intrusive thoughts in need of management — like throwing water on a grease fire.
However, by choosing to greet these “unwanted” thoughts objectively — simply as guests at an open-door neighborhood party — we become less reactively negative and simply acknowledge them — like clouds floating into our field of view.
Instead of grimacing at a moment of distraction, a cue phrase can help you simultaneously acknowledge the thought with neutrality.
These thoughts are neither bad nor good. They’re just…thoughts. No need for hostility or hugs.
The book’s suggested phrase to inspire a sense of neutral accommodation is “welcome to the party.”
This works but I prefer something snappier, a little less clunky.
My favorite phrases are “Hey there” and “Howdy” to the thoughts that invite themselves through the front door of my mind and begin window shopping in the lobby of my consciousness.
(Note: “Howdy” may only resonate with me because, as a Texas-born Okie, it is a greeting I regularly use without any hint of irony. I’d recommend finding a warm, disarming greeting that resonates with you.)
In meditation, I do my best to treat these emerging thoughts as folks crossing my path while out for a stroll — neither ready to sock, hug, or flee. They just…are, and therefore deserving of a “howdy.”
In daily life, as you attempt to concentrate on work, remain attentive to a conversation, or any other situation that needs your present attention, if you can feel a thought float into your mind that you fear could derail your focus, give it and yourself a little benign friendliness.
“Hey, there, Thought.”
And pivot your focus back to where you wanted it to be.
Rinse and repeat.
Originally found on my Substack page.
Also available in podcast form.
